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2002-04-10 | 12:09 a.m.

Oh dang, I just this very second had a huge, Moon-sized urge for a ciggybutt.

Thank God it's passed. I guess I could wrangle with the puzzle of what the hell brought that on, but.... na. Just not important enough. Actually I'm tired of figureing out why I smoked, loved it, chose to do it despite my personal experience of caring for COPD patients, or patients with Lung Ca. in end stages. The one guy who, in his confusion, climbed out of bed over the side rails, knocked over the metal pole that held up his tube feeding pump,got himself all tangled up in the tube feeding tubes and cords, had explosive diarrhea all over the place, slipped in it with his bare feet, and fell on the tiled floor and lay alone in his room, hurting, until someone came and helped him, washed him, and put his broken ass back to bed.

I think I'd rather try to figure out why I still develop a quick, powerful infatuation with online persons. The first hard lesson I had should have taught me to assume, no no.. to BELIEVE down to my flowered panties, that everyone online is real, flawed, possibly unattractive, or even bone-deep ugly.

He told me he was fat and ugly. I didn't listen. Didn't believe that his estimation might be accurate. 'he's just suffering from low self-esteem.' 'poor guy is so dang popular he doesn't wanna be hounded by yet another love-struck girl, so he's pretending to be unattractive.' 'aw, it can't be that bad.'

Yes it can. Yes. O my God, yes. Perhaps if he had shared with me re: the Haldol prescription, criminal record, social phobia? Even so, I think at the time, I would have minimized all of it.

When will I get to "Live and learn." Currently I'm at "Live and come dangerously close to repeating mistake." Yes, there's been some progress. There's comfort in that. And, everyone I am exposed to on the web probably has at least some positive qualities. Hopefully I'll learn to care as much about my in-person aquaintences as much as the on-line ones. Maybe I'll work harder at pretending that they all look, act, and sweat profusely like him.

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Miss These?

absence of life - 2003-07-28
death cake - 2003-07-08
I won't let this age me. - 2003-07-06
Goodbye Jeffrey - 2003-06-19
Thanks but no thanks. - 2003-06-11

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