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2002-11-27 | 6:26 p.m.

Diary, every day, it feels more and more like God and everyone else has forgotten about me. But the truth is that, no matter what it feels like, I'm really the one who is forgetting about me.

Which comes first? Do I forget about what I need to do, and then perceive that others don't care? Or.... am I just responding to the influences (or lack of them) in my life by forgetting about me. Am I forgetting or ignoring?

There was a time that I could catch myself saying a little prayer of thanksgiving or praise often through the day. Driving down a narrow, tree-lined road in October, with a brilliant blue sky, and burning orange and red leaves stretched up over me on either side, just like walls of flame.... all that intense color.... and the fluffy white clouds and eventual vibrant rainbow, that would inspire a prayer of wonder and praise.

If I was considering a career move, or if I was thinking of making a large purchase, I'd pray on it. Every day, the concerns of my Creator would enter into my decisions. This came automatically; it felt natural, not forced.

Now, I have to think to remember to pray. Partly because I feel like I don't matter anymore. My head knows differently. Everyone matters, that's a fact. On alot of levels I know that I really don't, so rather than struggeling with society or workmates, I suppose what's most difficult is the battle I have with myself, to keep up hoping and caring and believing that I can matter at all.

Some people get old and fat and lazy, I guess. I'm less lazy than I ever have been. Seriously, this past 8 years have been the most productive time of my life. What I can't do anymore is hope. It's too hard.

Good thing everything isn't always about me, huh? :)

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Miss These?

absence of life - 2003-07-28
death cake - 2003-07-08
I won't let this age me. - 2003-07-06
Goodbye Jeffrey - 2003-06-19
Thanks but no thanks. - 2003-06-11

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